The One Question That Turned Strangers Into Friends

A few months ago, I interviewed Brené Brown for TODAY.com, and one thing she said stuck with me: "Communication doesn't solve loneliness. Connection does." 

The very next day, I posted a simple question in a local moms Facebook group: Would anyone want to start a running group? What happened next surprised me. 

In this personal episode, I'm sharing how one small act of vulnerability led to new friendships, a stronger sense of community, and one of the best decisions I've made since becoming a parent.

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Transcript

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A few months ago, I had the opportunity to interview Brene Brown for today.com. Now, if you don't know her, she is a world-renowned expert in communication, connection, and how to overcome burnout, loneliness, all of those things. So, as a dietitian, most of my interviews are usually about food or nutrition or health and wellness. So, talking with someone whose work centers around human connection felt a little outside of my comfort zone. We covered a lot of topics, but one moment in particular stuck with me. I asked her why so many people feel lonely even though we're constantly connected online. Her answer was simple. She said, social media and technology are communication tools, but not necessarily connection tools. Then she said something that I haven't really been able to stop thinking about. She said, communication doesn't solve loneliness, connection does. At the moment I thought, okay, that makes sense. And I kind of moved on to the next question. But I didn't realize how much I actually needed to hear that in that moment. Like a lot of people in this stage of life, as a 40-something mom of two, I spend my days communicating with people. I text with friends, I email coworkers, I chat with other parents at the school pickup, I comment on people's social media posts. If you looked at my life from the outside, you'd probably say, I'm pretty well connected. But if I'm being completely honest, after having kids, building new friendship isn't that easy. As it's not the same friends that you had in your 20s, some of them have moved away. It's not necessarily almost easy. So what was something that I like to do that could create more connection in my life? I started thinking a lot about that after this Brene Brown interview. And something that I've been kind of thinking about for quite some time is all of the time that I spend running. So here's where this all comes back to why this is something that I'm chatting about. Because for almost 10 years, I've I've run, but I ran mostly by myself. I've raced by myself, and I genuinely liked it. Running was the quiet time that I have. I don't have to go on anyone else's schedule, I don't have to do anyone else's workout. I get to do what I want to do in the moments I get to do it. It's my chance to listen to a podcast, listen to an audiobook, listen to the music I want to listen to, think through a work problem, or just be alone with my thoughts. And as a mom, that alone time is valuable. But somewhere along the way, especially as I've trained for marathons, half marathons, when you're out there sometimes for an hour and a half by yourself and you're feeling those miles sometimes go by slowly, you think, wouldn't it be nice if I had someone with me? So I realized there was a difference between enjoying the solitude and then also feeling connected. I had pl I have plenty of acquaintances, plenty of people I like, plenty of people I chat with here and there, but I didn't really have a community around me that takes up such a huge part of my life. And since running is the thing that I do mostly for myself in terms of what brings me joy and what's a social connection for me, that's what I looked towards to create some sort of connection in the future. And the funny thing is I didn't really realize that anything was missing until I had that conversation with Brene. So the next, literally the next day, I decided what I was gonna do. I decided that I wanted to create a running group of other moms in my area that I could go out and I could run with. And it didn't have to be anything super sophisticated. When I was in my 20s, I was always the person who would organize things. For instance, when I was in my 20s, I organized a bunch of my friends to be on a kickball team. And it was something we did for years. Every Thursday night, we would go play these kickball games, and I absolutely loved it. If someone wanted to get together for a party, I was the person who organized it. So I knew that I could go about doing this, but I had to find my people. So one day, without much of a plan of what I was gonna do other than maybe what the first run would be, I made a post in a local mom's Facebook group that I'm in. And I basically wrote, Would anyone want to start running with me? I'm thinking maybe this week on Wednesday, early, 6 to 7 a.m., just parents, maybe three to four miles. I don't care what your pace is. You could come for as little as you want, come for as long as you want, we'll meet you where you're at. I'm here, maybe you can meet me here. That was it. And I said, if you want to do this with me, let me know. And I'll start a group outside of this Facebook group that that we could chat. That was it. It wasn't an elaborate pitch, not a huge organization, no schedule, just a simple kind of question. And I was really nervous before I actually hit post because it's nerve-wracking to put yourself out there, which is kind of ridiculous when I say it, because I have a YouTube channel, I have my own platform, I'm on social media, I speak in front of l large audiences, I've been on TV, I'm an extroverted person, and I'm also a grown woman. I've interviewed celebrities, clearly. Yet somehow asking these strangers if they wanted to go running felt very vulnerable. What if no one responded? What if people thought it was weird? What if everyone ignored me? Those thoughts sound silly now, but I think they're the same thoughts that stop a lot of us from reaching out in adulthood and trying to actually connect with other people. We're not afraid of making friends because making friends is the good part. We're afraid of being the person who goes first and asks the question. Thankfully, a handful of women responded and we started a little running group. We picked a day to meet, and we've been running together pretty consistently ever since for the past two or so months. Now, the first run I think was maybe three people. One week we had five people. Some days it's just me and one other person. But I have two or three or four people that I've run with consistently throughout the weeks where we get together for an hour every morning, and there's no, you're not sitting there, there's no phones with you, you're talking about your kids, you're talking about your lives. There's so much great connection happening, and I get to run while doing it. And honestly, it's been one of the best decisions I've made in years for myself. And not because my training has improved, which I will say I think it has, because I've actually been running and talking and going faster than I thought I could, and also running more miles because I'm excited to get together with with friends, but also because I've gotten to know some really wonderful people. Every week we spend an hour or so, or more than that, running and talking about everything from parenting to work to race goals to vacation plans. The conversations are different every time. But what surprises me is how quickly strangers can become familiar when you keep showing up together and having fun together. I one mom I've met her husband and I've met her parents. There's something about moving through miles side by side that makes conversation really easy. Over time, I really look forward to these runs for reasons that had nothing to do with exercise. It's really about that connection. And I am doing things in the moment and thinking about how I want to share them with my my running friends. One of my running friends is really does a lot of cool stuff with her kids, goes to different parks and things. And I went to a park with my son this weekend where I thought, you know, Amy would really like this. And I told her about the next day. And then she looked it up after a run, messaged me and said, thanks for sharing that with me. I'm gonna take my kids there this summer. That kind of stuff is just honestly makes me so happy. So I realized essentially what Brene Brown was talking about. Connection isn't something that just magically appears. It's built through these small moments over time. And in her inner in the interview, she talked about trust being earned one marble at a time, which is something that she said many times. And she said it's not through huge gestures, but through little moments of consistency, remembering that something someone told you, or asking a follow-up question, or checking in with them, or essentially just showing up. And that's exactly what has happened with this run a group. Nobody became best friends overnight. We're still not best friends right now, but we are friends. And there wasn't some dramatic moment where a bunch of strangers suddenly bonded. It's happening one run at a time, one conversation at a time, one shared experience at a time. And as adults, especially parents, friendship doesn't always happen the way it used to. Nobody is organizing recess anymore, no one's assigning group projects, no one's putting us in a dorm together. If we want community, we have to create it. We have to create those opportunities for ourselves. So looking back, it's funny that I was nervous to post that post because it's honestly been something that has changed in my life and it changed so much for the better. So I could say in this, in this instant, social media was something, a communication tool that helped me build connection. And that's a lesson I've been thinking about ever since. Not that everyone needs to start a running group, but that a lot of us are waiting for a community to find us when community is usually built by someone willing to make the first mood. And that first move was asking a simple question online and it ended up giving me something I didn't even realize that I was missing. And I'm so happy that I asked that single question. So I know that this is not our normal nutrition topic that we talk about on a weekly basis, but it's just been something that I have loved so much that I wanted to share. And I hope it resonates with one of you and it inspires you to take a leap and find a way to connect within your community. That's it until next week. I'll see you then.